The past year was probably the toughest one in my life.
As some of you might know, I lost my grandfather in November, 2012.
And for almost a year since then I felt depressed and unhappy; struggling within myself to understand the meaning of death and the purpose of life.
Nothing seemed to make me happier anymore – be it food, movies, video games, books, gadgets, or any other kind of amusement. I lost interest even in talking with my family and friends – talking and smiling in front of them more like a robot and less like a human.
But I didn’t tell anyone about my depression as I thought it would only worry them. And I acted, whenever possible, with other people in a normal way.
Sometimes, between these periods of depression, when I felt better I got back to writing on this blog and my other one. Sometimes, I kept myself busy in doing other household work.
But the pain from loss of my grandfather kept coming back to me again and again. I couldn’t focus on my work or give my best to anything.
A few years ago, I thought I was mature and capable enough to handle any crisis in life.
But turns out I was wrong.
I wasn’t prepared to face the death of my loved ones. I wasn’t prepared to see someone suffer from pain and unhappiness as they come closer to their death.
In short, I wasn’t prepared for the reality of life.
And that’s why I kept feeling bad. I couldn’t understand why good people suffer as much, or sometimes even more, as the bad ones. Why does a honest, hard-working, and kind person like my grandfather had to suffer so much pain, while I have seen some selfish people die totally in peace.
And if this wasn’t enough I continued to feel guilty of something.
Whether it was the guilt of not doing enough for my grandfather, or the truth that everything good in your life will end someday, or that nothing is permanent, or perhaps a mixture of all these things, I can’t say exactly.
But I kept struggling continuously to find the answers to all my questions – the questions on life and death that we rarely think upon in our good times, but which come to haunt us with full force in our bad times.
The only thing that came to my rescue was meditating deeply upon my questions and taking help from my huge collection of spirituality and meditation books.
And slowly, but surely, I did find answers to most of my questions.
The answers didn’t come easily though. I kept moving from one solution to another and kept returning back to my problems. This went on for several months. Only then did I start seeing things as they really are.
I realized about the nature of mind, the nature of human beings, the nature of thoughts, the nature of desires. I realized the cause of my problems and their solutions.
And this realization was huge. Things that I associated with myself earlier had nothing to do with me now. My goals and aspirations had totally changed. I was a completely different person now from what I had been a few years ago.
And though I’ll always miss my grandfather, but I have learned to live with it and do all my duties with responsibility. I’ve also realized things about life and death that I didn’t knew before.
And this experience has made me tough and strong enough to overcome any difficulty in life.
I can see the changes inside me even though I didn’t ask for them. I’ve become more peaceful than before. I can control my thoughts and actions even in stressful situations. I can handle even physical pain by staying relaxed and not getting too much attached with it.
I’ve also started experiencing deeper levels of meditation. I can see that meditation isn’t just relaxation, it’s much more than that. Now I can meditate whenever I want, wherever I want, and for as long as I want – something which I couldn’t do before.
I can see others having similar problems as I had, and I see them acting in a wrong way, just as I did.
And this has fueled a new motivation inside me to share what I have learned with as many people as I can.
Just because it took me years to know myself doesn’t mean you too need that much time. With right knowledge and right practice you can find answers to all your questions in a year, a month, or even a day. How soon you find your answers depends only upon you – the effort that you put in and the methods that you apply to find those answers.
All you need to do is meditate the right way on your problems. And though I can’t say that my way is the best and only way, far from it, but I do believe that by sharing my experience and thoughts I can help you in finding the answers for yourself.
You can learn from my struggles and avoid the same mistakes as I did, or maybe you can learn what I did right and do that yourself.
I hope my experience will help you in becoming a better person than you are now. I want you to become a person who is peaceful, happy, and has found the purpose of his life.
Thanks for staying subscribed to this blog even when I didn’t post anything for the last 8 months. I’ll try my best to make up for this time and hope you’ll continue to read and benefit from what I write here.